Because sometimes breathing is necessary.

Oy, has it been a good week.

Take, for instance, my evening last night:

Loving my sunsets by the water!

Loving her evening workouts in the water!

Perfection, eh?

LOVE it. This week has been a nice breather for us. Moments like these pictures show abounded, which we needed. It has been a deep breath kind of week. Sleeping in in the mornings. Late night conversations with friends. Mid-day on Wednesday we were both home so we threw on our swimsuits and played in the water with Sophie; so fun!

We're both taking today off to just have a day away, unplugged, un-everything'd. The year is going to get crazy-busy for us beginning next week and we want to enter into it rested and restored. It'll be fun and I'm looking forward to all of it, but it'll be a pretty quick pace.

This has been a fairly chaotic summer. For me, for sure, but especially for Lane. He has been gone A TON, so even if I've been around, with him leaving and going and leaving and going it still just lends a sense of instability to our life.

I just looked at the calendar, and of the past 12 weeks, L has been home for only 2 of those weekends. We'll both be home this weekend, which has been so unheard of and rare this summer, and I can't wait! This will be only his 3rd time making it to church with me out of the last 12 Sundays! We might as well be living Active Duty Army Life again with that track record!

I'm excited for our weekend- We're doing our day away today: just going into the mountains for a day to read, relax, journal, think. Then tonight is over to a friends house for dinner. Saturday is cleaning out our garage. Saturday evening is over to another friends house for dinner. Sunday is showing up and sitting next to each other at church! So good.

We're just slowing down to catch our breath before the next sprint starts. Summer's are supposed to be relaxing, right? Ayiyi! It's a good life, though.

GREAT weekend!

Hey friends!

It is now officially Day 2 of August.

School starts in 2 weeks.

Summer is winding down. We've checked off pretty much every box that we wanted to accomplish this summer... except one. But more on that later. :) But we wanted to go to Costa Rica- Check. We wanted to go backpacking- Double Check. We wanted lots of time with our family and friends- Check It Up. We wanted to get rested and restored before we enter into another year of chaos- Absolutely Check. It has been good.

And. We wanted to climb a 14er. We got to check that one off this last Saturday.

Now. For any of my friends not from Colorado or not familiar with the glory of 14ers let me tell you- 14ers are mountains that are above 14,000 feet in elevation; there are 54 of them in Colorado and it is kind of a big thing here to try to climb as many 14ers as you can. I grew up climbing them, and this was the first one that Lane and I had done in awhile because our first years of marriage were way out in Georgia far away from anything close to a 14er.

This is our crew at the trailhead at 6:30 am about to begin our way up. Me and L on the right, with his sister and her hubby on the left.

We ran into 5 of these guys on our way up. True, wild mountain goats. So fun!

Capturing the boy as he summits. (And yes, if I was at the top taking his picture as he came up... that means that I SUMMITED BEFORE HIM. My tough Army Ranger is no match for me on the mountains. :) Just kidding. He really could have kicked my bootie if he wanted to, but still. I wear that badge with pride.)

Standing on top of my 11th 14er. SO AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL.

If you haven't been able to pick it up yet, we LOVE the outdoors. It's a way that we connect to each other, and absolutely a way that we connect with God. These pictures seriously don't do it justice... the view was INCREDIBLE. Being out in nature, and especially on top of a mountain you get such an appreciation with the CREATIVITY and GENEROSITY of our creator, and it makes me appreciate my body and what I have been given. I love being outside because it just shouts to me of a loving God. I love meeting him out there and love experiencing such neat moments and such accomplishment with Lane.

Yes, it was a good good weekend.

Shenanigans of the mouth

Remember my trip to the dentist on Monday? Well, I had to go back.

Booo.

I had a cavity. Ugh. This was not my proudest moment. I feel like a failure even just admitting that fact. It was my first one.

Have any of you guys ever had to get a cavity filled before? Well, it's not the most fun way to spend your Wednesday afternoon. She told me I would feel a little 'pinch' and then shoved a needle halfway through my gums.

And my mouth went numb.

Remember my 'Active Salivary Glands' problem? Try getting control of that issue with numb lips. Hah!

So I got the cavity filled. Drilling. Not fun. Then afterward my poor, poor self didn't know exactly how bad the numb lips were all afternoon long. I felt fine, so when I checked out of the office I was my normal chatty self with the receptionist, smiling and laughing.

I then ran errands all afternoon- Kohl's, Target, Wal-mart, Arc Thrift Store, etc... checked out there too and talked to the cashiers there too. My lips felt funny, but I thought it was just me.

Then I came home. Lane was in the kitchen, took one look at me, and burst out laughing. Once he smartened up and regained composure the first words out of his mouth were...

And I quote:

"I would still love you even if you looked like that for the rest of your life."

So I freak out not knowing what he's talking about, but then we both die laughing and of course, have to document the freakishness that was my mouth.

I was out in public like that, people. I am trying to smile here, much like I would have when checking out and smiling with the many people I encountered.

After laughing for a good 20 minutes Lane apparently felt the freedom to again put his foot in his mouth and say:

"You know what, it's actually probably a good thing you don't look like that all the time."

Feeling excited and slightly guilty

I wasn't going to do a post today because... well, no reason. I just wasn't feeling brilliant.

BUT, one of the to-do's on my list today was take my big ol' box of clothes that has been sitting in our bedroom since the day we moved in (8 months ago!) over to Goodwill.

Let me rewind a little bit.

Anytime before Lane leaves for time away we ask each other what is something that we're most looking forward to about this next {enter time frame here} apart and something we're not excited about. For this 3 week stint. For 2 week trainings he used to have to do at Fort Campbell. For a weekend trip. And yes, even for deployments we would ask what is something good you anticipate and something that might not be so fun.

It might seem like a nerdy little exercise for any who are not external processors like myself, but it helps us (read: me) to process what's coming up, but also for us to acknowledge that we're going to miss each other like crazy but to recognize that life does go on without the other. I can't sit here pining away for him otherwise my days would be miserable and go so slowly, and he can't be moping around missing his wife otherwise he might not perform his job as well as he should. So we ask about sunshine/rainclouds aka highs/lows aka rose/thorns. I like it.

Anyway. The point of this post.

I couldn't admit this to Lane when we were talking, so it is still my little secret, but one of the main things that I was excited about doing while he's gone right now is going through his closet and getting rid of t-shirts that he has had for 10+ YEARS. Seriously. He's still wearing shirts he wore in high school. And he wears them with pride. Despite the faded colors. Despite the gaping holes. It kills me.

I've threatened to do this before but I never could just pull the trigger when he's been gone in the past.

Back to the Goodwill trip today.

I spent last night going through our closet one final time and added quite a few of his t-shirts. Don't feel too sorry for the boy. His t-shirt collection has now gone from 2,572 to 2,540. He has so many t-shirts. FROM HIGH SCHOOL. Any other husbands out there do this or just mine?

I was so excited pulling up to the Goodwill today. I felt lighter already. But then, when I put the bag containing his clothes in I felt this huge stab of guilt. It was done. I actually started laughing out loud at what I just did and probably looked pretty weird to anyone driving by. Crazy lady donating clothes again! Irreversible. I couldn't take them back; they had gone into the abyss of the huge clothing donation window.

Hmmm. I don't know if I'll tell him. Maybe I'll just let him figure it out on his own.

I do feel slightly guiltly.

But it was WORTH IT.

His secret ingredient

I have to admit that I am a health-food addict. I'm not crazy psycho about it, but I do love it.

Whole grains, black beans, quinoa, red peppers, and spinach speak to my heart. My mom calls my recipes 'weird' and 'different'. :) They're actually really yummy, but don't typically include cream of chicken soup. I try to limit eating dessert to once a week- I make myself EARN those suckers!

Most mornings I'll make a smoothie for breakfast- the ingredient list:

Organic, nonfat, plain yogurt

Tofu

Pure orange juice

Banana

Frozen strawberries

And protein powder if I'm feeling extra wild

It has taken some time, but I have been able to teach Lane this very complicated recipe. I have entrusted my breakfast to him a little at a time, and some mornings he will take over the breakfast-creating responsibilities.

This morning I went out for a run and before I left he told me that he would make our smoothies while I was gone.

This is how it went down:

I come back in huffing and puffing, grab the waiting beauty of a smoothie out of the fridge excited to replenish my body with some healthy strong stuff.

I get about halfway through and look over at The Boy who is grinning ear to ear.

Me: That make me nervous... What?

L: How's your smoothie?

Me: Delicious...

L: I put a secret in there... ICE CREAM! A couple scoops of it! Isn't it great!

I have no words for this. Apparently we still need to work on what exactly does, and does not qualify as a health food.

5 years!

Today is our 5 year anniversary!

Wow. What a fun, amazing, difficult, loaded, significant, adventurous, life-changing five years we have had together. It's been quite the journey!

In our still relatively young marriage, we have been through some major stuff. Looking at the marriage that we have today though, I am so thankful for the road that we have been on because of the strength that it has given us.

In honor of today, I am going to take you guys on a little picture tour of our relationship:

We met in October of our freshman year of college, almost 9 years ago. I was immediately in love but thought he was way out of my league, so it took 5 months of him chasing after to me to prove that it was me he wanted. Once we started dating, we were done for. Pretty much on our first date we told each other we wanted to marry each other- at 18 years old! We were crazy. It was really fun being able to share our college experience together; we had such an amazing community of friends, were Young Life leaders together, and did all sorts of fun Colorado stuff like tubing rivers, rock-climbing, back-packing, and camping together.

Here we are building our team work on a camping trip at the ripe ol' age of 19!

Fast-forward a couple years. The boy proposed.

He knelt on his knee and said he talked to my dad so I could go pick out a white dress. It's our love story so I just said yes.

I'm quoting T Swift for those of you not tracking... that is pretty much how it went though.

Engagement Pic:

The Big Day: June 3, 2005

After said Big Day, we enjoyed about 2 months of traveling and hanging out before Lane had to report for 5 months of training at Fort Sill, OK. Officer Basic Course is calling our name in this picture. Our entire life was packed into the back of his blazer, and we were hitting the road entering into Army Life. Oh man, I had NO IDEA what I was in for!

The youth. The innocence. The SKINNY people we were back then! So much has changed!

After OBC, we headed off to Fort Benning, in Columbus, GA. I taught high school social studies while Lane did his Army Thing and did it good.

Here's my man after graduating Ranger School. I'm pinning the coveted Ranger Tab on his shoulder. He lost nearly 30 pounds in his 12 weeks there. It was crazy.

Here we are enjoying an EXTRAVAGANT meal before Deployment #2. Maybe 1. Maybe 3? We definitely did not hold back on any of our final meals before deployments. They all blend together. That's what the Army does to ya.

And here we are in the backyard of our house in Georgia for our final day there. Moving to Colorado was the best decision we've ever made. We were very clearly called out of the Active Duty Army... but I do miss Georgia, the Army, our friends, our church, my work...

But... this new life together in Colorado has been good. In the deepest, most significant, fun, sacred sense of the word good.

These five years have held so much for us, it's hard to imagine what the next 5, 20, or 30 might hold! I wouldn't want to journey through any of it with anyone else in this world though- Happy Anniversary, Baby! :)

525,600 minutes

What a difference a year makes.

This last year has been a blur. It has been a blink of an eye. It has been life changing.

I find myself staring at the date and getting lost in thoughts. May 6th of last year was a significant date.

It was the day that my husband deployed to Afghanistan for his third and final time. Those days, the days that he left to go overseas, are the worst in my life up to this point. They are days where every sense is heightened yet you are numb at the same time. They are overflowing in emotional significance. They are days where you physically, emotionally, spiritually try to be all-in; be engaged with your husband, and just be in the moment yet are in the thickest of fogs.

May 6th of last year was also spent in the ER.

Not the ideal place to be spending my final hours with L. As things go, when it rains it pours and if something can go wrong, it will. The weekend before he deployed we decided to take a spur-of-the-moment 2 day trip down to Destin, FL to spend some time on the beach.

Well. Something went horribly wrong. We were only out in the sun for 2 hours. We applied sun screen! And yet we both got the worst burns we ever have had, or hope to have, in our whole lives. I got sun poisoning and spent the evening throwing up at the 4 star steak restaurant where we were eating dinner.

And L. Poor, poor L. He got 2nd degree burns over his entire back. Well, fast-forward a few days to Tuesday of that week he was still in the worst pain I had ever seen him in, but he kept trying to tough it out. Wednesday morning, May 6th, we woke up for our final day together (he was deploying that evening) and knew that he had go get medical help. He couldn't sit on a plane for 10 hours heading to the Middle East in the situation he was in. So, we spent our final day in the ER; he got steroid shots, burn cream rubbed on him, and was instructed to find his closest buddy that was going over with him to rub the burn cream on his back for the next 10 days.

That's male bonding if I've ever seen it. Thanks, Dan. You're a true friend.

And all of that led up to the hardest deployment we experienced. It was a doozy.

So I see May 6th and I am catapulted back to those memories. To the ER. To those awful goodbyes where you kiss one final time and watch them walk away not knowing when, or if, you're going to see them again. To news releases detailing offensives and accounts of how our friends died. To phone calls from my husband and hearing how broken he and his guys were but knowing they couldn't deal with it because they had to go back out on a mission to the same area in a few hours. To questioning God, battling doubt and fear. To finding hope even in the dark. To reunion and knowing we made it through.

And now, those are memories. We see each other in the mornings. I normally see L in clothes that don't have the letters A, C, or U in the title.

We pray for all of the soldiers that are over there right now and I am in awe of their sacrifice.

What a difference a year makes.

Why I oughta

Apparently, our local newspaper needed some help. Their 'Adventure' section was trying to add some spice, or something like that, to their weekly spots and they had requested for people to send in pics of them out and about being adventurous and everything.

I don't really read the newspaper (I choose to get my news from such elite, credible sources like E News!, Kelly Ripa, and Jon Stewart).

Just kidding.

But seriously.

I digress. With me not reading the newspaper, I had no idea about them needing to send in pictures. But my husband did. He read that plea for help and immediately thought of our recent trip backpacking through Utah and thought that it would be brilliant to send in pics of us being hardcore romping through the Great Beyond of the canyons of Utah.

He also thought it would be brilliant to keep this from me.

So, while I was at work on Friday I got a text message from this sweet hubby o' mine saying that there was a surprise for me in the Adventure section of the paper so go see it as soon as I get the chance.

Curiosity had the best of me, so as soon as my planning period started I raced over to the teachers' lounge where they keep about a gagillion copies of the paper and I flipped open to the Adventure section and saw...

THIS:

Of course, the shot that got chosen was not only of just me, rather than both of us, but of that beautiful backside of mine.

Awesome. He doesn't know when, he doesn't know where, but I vow that I will have my revenge on him.

The rhythm is gonna get you

I heard someone recently mention the phrase 'the rhythm of life.' It was during an evening meeting that L and I were having with some close adult (I know I'm an adult, but they're really adults!) friends as we were explaining the state of our hearts as of late; overcommitments, feelings of being burnt out, not connected to each other, etc.

One of the women, a wise wise woman, mentioned that phrase and it has been brewing in my mind this whole week. She said that the rhythm of life that L and I had developed here was unsustainable. We were exhausted because in our attempts to carve out a life for ourselves here and to always create time for others here, something else had been lost.

Rather than having a melody, a rhythm that works together and moves with the ebbs and flows of our life, it had just become noise. We had lost the joy, the balance, the peace.

That is what has been simmering through my mind. I've been turning the words over, chewing on them, working them out.

It's so easy to just fill your life. To always say 'yes' to obligations, to always put others first before myself or my marriage, to do things for the sake of doing them. But that was a rhythm that wore me out, was unsustainable, and unrealistic.

And most times what fills our life isn't bad. It's even good, in fact. But there wasn't a balance within it. There wasn't a rhythm. L and I hadn't gotten time together (in the form of a date, significant conversations, etc) in a month. We both were neglecting ourselves and our relationships with God in order to spend time with others in helping to construct their own lives and faiths. We were addicted to our jobs, both of us work two. We weren't allowing ourselves grace, room to breathe, space to process the transition our life has gone through in these last 6 months.

We had lost sight of what is best. Of what is most precious. Things had been sacrificed without our even being aware of it. So it took us losing our rhythm of life to discover we wanted it back. It took us reaching boiling point, emotional exhaustion, to acknowledge that life was off kilter.

So I'm trying to rediscover my rhythm. To bring a pace, a balance, a beauty to my life that is restoring to me, life-giving to others, and loves my husband well. I'm trying to sift through what is worthwhile and what is simply noise. I'm trying to create space. To still give my life to others, but to give it to God and my husband more.

There is rhythm. There are ebbs and flows. There is beauty within it all... if we focus on not just 'getting through it', but living it and enjoying it.

It's that time again

So, remember my love of all things organized? Well, I love all things clean too. Not always do I love the cleaning process, but sometimes I get crazy and that happens. I love the finished product enough to keep me truckin through the chores I don't enjoy at least.

I am a clean person. However... imagine the cleanest person you know, multiply that times 1,876 and you will have my husband. He is a freak. He is OCD about it in the most loving sense of the word. It is not beyond him to, after I have already cleaned the kitchen, call me back in and show me the spots I did not get on the counter. If I don't fold his shirts the 'right way' when doing his laundry it is not beyond him to re-fold them. He is constantly teaching me the 'best' way to pour/fold/wipe/put away/get out.

So, it is with appreciation for my husband that I am going to be cleaning our house this week. Spring Break used to mean beaches, friends, and doing a whole lot of nothing in my college days. Now Spring Break means Spring Cleaning. Ugh. I feel like such an adult.

Just in case there's anyone else out there who is in spring cleaning mode, I'm putting up a list of what I'll be doing as well. It'll be fun- we'll be cleaning buddies!

Spring Cleaning Checklist 2010, baby!

* Clean out Fridge and Freezer. Take out contents (put in a cooler if needed) and wipe down with a solution of 2 Tbs baking soda per 1 quart hot water.

* Move fridge forward and clean underneath it

* Clean microwave. Put a microwave safe bowl with water and lemon juice and heat it to boiling (2-3 minutes) ; the steam will loosen particles and the citric acid will cut through the grease.

* Scrub kitchen appliances, cabinets, and backsplash

* Take cushions off of couch and vacuum each part

* Bring cushions outside and hit (is there a more technical term?) to freshen and loosen dust

* Dust bookshelves. Remove books and decorations from each shelf to get every space

* Wipe down walls and baseboards with a mild soap and warm water mixture (make sure wall paint can handle water)

* Vacuum or dust blinds and curtains, ceiling fans, and crannies to get rid of dust and cobwebs

* Replace cold-weather clothing in closets with warm weather wear

* Put any clothes you haven't worn in at least 1 year in a Goodwill pile

* Go through toiletries and make-up and toss anything too old

* Remove lint from clothes dryer hose

* Re-stock first aid kit

* Reseal grout

* Deodorize carpets: Sprinkle about 1 Cup of baking soda or cornstarch per room. Vacuum after 30 minutes

* Clean windows and window screens. Windex always works wonders, but here's another solution: 2 tablespoons cornstarch, 1 cup white vinegar, 1 gallon warm water; Mix the ingredients in a bucket and use to scrub windows.

* Organize files in home office. Make sure policies, contracts, etc. are in place and up to date.

* Scrub bathrooms

* Clean gutters

* Sweep/Dust/Mop floors

Okay, that's good for me. It's time to get cleaning!

5:1

Happy Day After Easter, everyone!

We had a wonderful weekend hanging out at my parents' home, and then celebrated the big festivities on Sunday at my sister's house with all of my family and extended family. These get-togethers are super fun because all of my cousins and sisters (notice I wasn't added in this sentence... hmmm. Maybe sometime soon though...) are in baby-making stages of life so there are tons of little ones EVERYWHERE at these things. It's adorable. And fun. And chaotic.

Even though it's Spring Break (#2 for me! One for UNC and another for District 6 schools!), my brain still feels a little fried. I think it's still in recovery stages from my busy previous week in addition to the weekend. All that to say, I have no original thoughts to post on here today. So instead, I wanted to mention something that has been brewing in my mind for the last 2 months or so. I saw this on one of my favorite news programs (CBS Sunday Morning News) on Valentines Day and figured that now is as good a time as any to post it considering I'm a full 60+ days late on this.

There is this man named John Gottman; he's a smarty-pants psychology professor and marriage researcher. He knows relationships. He's an author. I like him. He found the key to successful marriages and that it can even be expressed mathematically. The key WASN'T not fighting. It wasn't always having peace, keeping hurts from each other, or the absence of conflict. Those happen. They have to happen for it to be a healthy marriage.

Gottman's key to a healthy relationship is the 5:1 ratio: There need to be FIVE positive interactions for every ONE negative interaction.

What's a negative interaction? It can be anything from criticisms to picking fights to getting defensive to withdrawing. It can be rolling your eyes or shutting down and not talking. Anything that doesn't give life to your relationship.

Positive interactions? A squeeze on the shoulder. Laughing at a joke. Giving a compliment on how they look that day. Saying thank you for a chore they did. Anything that shows appreciation for the other.

It's not that there can't be negative interactions- rough patches, complaints, fights- those are inevitable when you share life with someone. It's just that for you to have a healthy, stable, vibrant relationship there needs to be 5 more good ones.

I think that appreciation is key. These last 5 years with my hubby has developed an appreciation for him more than anything I could have dreamed of. I'm so thankful that I get to share life with him; he's pretty great.

Gottman might be onto something: a key factor to the success of marriages is the 5:1 ratio. It sounds right to me, it sounds beautiful and life-giving to me. And I figure, it can't hurt anything, so why not be super focused and aware of trying to have more positives than negatives?

And just because I'm feeling like it, here's a picture of me and my boy moments after we got engaged in September 2004. L took me on a hike up to this beautiful summit overlooking Fort Collins and surprised me with wine and cheese waiting at the top right at sunset. Amazing, amazing! I'd say that was a pretty positive interaction.

Utah 5X

So we're doing P90X to get in shape this Spring and thought that Utah5X would be a funny play on words for this trip. Maybe that's just us. But it was Extreme!

I survived! And loved it. What an incredible trip in Escalante, Utah! I really do love backpacking. It's neat being able to go to places that you can't take a car to. There is something sacred, beautiful, and almost primal feeling in being able to carry everything you need to survive on your back for a week. And it was just good for L and I; it was bonding in a way that we haven't experienced before. Experiencing challenging situations together, continuing to walk for 3 more miles when you don't think you can go any further, seeing such cool sights together, laughing, pushing your physical boundaries and conquering fears together... it was good.

Days we were on the trail: 5

Miles we hiked: 30

Pounds I carried on my back: 40

Times I cried: 2

What we saw: AWESOME

We were hiking through canyons the whole time and they just got progressively bigger and bigger the deeper in we got. Seriously, these walls are 500 feet high... so pretty. This was my favorite little waterfall. I imagined little fairies using it as their waterslide... maybe that's just me.

This is me right after the TRAUMA of the trip and what caused the tears to erupt. My fear of heights + having to cross a nearly VERTICAL slope with no hint of footholds over a 50 foot drop to boulders and your DEATH = not a good situation for anyone involved. The beauty of the place can be deceiving, folks.

Isn't he so cute?

Me on the other hand- all I have to say is that this is on Day 4 of

No Showers and Dirt.

Have grace with me, please.

This is his go-to pose when I tell him I'll talk a picture of him...Hmmmm.

He's right in front of Jug Handle Arch; can you see it? They call it that because it looks like, well, a Jug Handle.

This place was seriously ridiculous. That feature is called a Rincon- when the moving water of a river erodes the rock around, and these tall structures are left. It was awesome! And huge.

So there's a glimpse into the last week of my life. During the many, MANY hours we spent on the trail together, L and I were talking about how many parallels to life there are in a backpacking trip. I'll share just one with you now. When you backpack, hike, camp, etc., you get dirty. There are bugs. Your feet hurt and get blisters sometimes even. Your legs ache, you have to drink sandy and iodiney water, and get pretty sick of eating oatmeal and PB&J tortillas. However. Being out in creation is incredible. It is stretching, growing, refining, and challenging. There is definitely risk involved... but it is SO WORTH IT. I got to see things that I never would have seen had I not taken the risk. I would have missed out if I had chosen to just keep things comfortable. If you get out of your comfort zone, whatever that looks like, you will be rewarded. You will learn how much more capable and strong you are than you ever would have known. So get out there- it's worth it!

Riding in on his white horse

On our way home from the mountains today L and I started planning out our Spring Break trip. He runs an organization that works with high school and college students, and I work in the school district so we now get the perks of living on the school schedule and get to enjoy Spring Break 5 years out of college. 3 cheers for never having to grow up! Hip Hip Hooray!

So, over Spring Break (in 2 weeks), we are going on a backpacking trip in Utah. He has done 3 backpacking trips through Utah but I have yet to do one in that beautiful state, and I am super excited for this trip. Well, mostly excited, partly terrified.

Maybe 80% terrified, 20% excited.

We are discussing things that could go wrong and he is trying to talk some sense into me. I was telling him my fears of drowning in a flash flood in the canyons... being eaten by wild mountain lions... boulders falling on one of us and having to saw off our arms to escape... being overtaken by robbers in the middle of the night...

In the middle of my Freak Out Session, with his uncanny sense of perfect timing L says "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that quicksand is actually a pretty common problem where we're going."

My mind works in Worst Case Scenario Speed at all moments in time, so I immediately flash forward and envision myself as Princess Buttercup being sucked up by quicksand in the Fire Swamp and fighting off Rodents of Unusual Size.

It is at this moment that I am now sure that my demise won't come from a falling boulder on this backpacking trip. No, it will come from quicksand.

L took this opportunity to reassure me in his sweet way: "You wouldn't sink more than waist deep so before I rescue you, I would have to take some pictures and maybe laugh at you."

Awesome. My knight in shining armor.

My magic trick

I love cooking. I think it's just the coolest thing to take all of these separate ingredients and make something beautiful and delicious out of them. It's a life-giving thing for me.

I do always think it's funny though, around 5:30 or 6 each night I'll call L into the kitchen and he'll sit down at the table without asking any questions. The food just magically appears!

Take for instance the yummy meal I made last night. I tried my hand at making spaghetti squash for the first time and it was a smashing success, if I do say so myself.

You first have to roast the thing for 45 minutes in order to cut it in half:

I do have to say, this is one of the weirdest foods I have ever cooked. It literally looks like spaghetti. But it's squash.

People are so creative when naming their vegetables.

So you scoop the squash out after roasting it, and can eat it like that. But I got this brilliant idea from The Tasty Kitchen: Saute some onions in butter, add the squash, some parsley and parmesan cheese and voila! Delicousness is served.

This was the meal that resulted: My yummy spaghetti squash creation; roasted potatoes/peppers/onions tossed with EVOO, garlic, S&P, and parsley; then throw on some fresh greens on the plate and... Dinner!

I was bracing for cries of "Seriously... where's the meat! No, but really, did you forget it on the grill?" when L walked in but he didn't even miss it. My bacon-cheesburger loving, steak consuming, never-can-have-enough-cow carnivore of a husband ate a totally vegetarian meal, got seconds, and told me to put this at the top of our "Meals to absolutely cook again" list.

And so, Ladies and Gentlemen, if I hadn't already wowed you enough with my magical Make Food Appear On The Table trick stay tuned for my final act:

Make My Millions of Dirty Dishes Clean Again trick!

He doesn't even ask how it happens. I guess magicians really never do reveal their secrets!

The Backstory

This past fall, L was still Active Duty in the Army serving with an incredible unit and was finishing up his final deployment in Afghanistan. We had already done two other deployments to Iraq along with a doozy of a 3-month training school, and too many other training trips I couldn’t even count. All of that to say, we have said a lot of goodbyes. The deployment goodbyes were the most gut-wrenching moments I have ever had to experience in my entire life. They’re awful. Absolutely heartbreakingly awful.

So, last August I knew that L would be coming home soon, thus beginning our transition out of Active Duty and into the National Guard. Out of Super Crazy Army Life into Minimally Crazy Army Life.

And I started thinking. And wrestling. And processing what happens to a marriage when the first four years of that beautiful relationship coincide with four years of military and war. Figuring out how my faith had been transformed because of the battles I fought with God when my husband had to leave to go fight physical battles of his own.

So I wrote. And kept writing, using those words and my laptop as my own personal counselor as I debriefed the previous four years of my life. Initially, it was simply a really long journal.

Our marriage had been rocked because of the burdens we were having to bear. It is a difficult, difficult life to sustain and we absolutely learned the meaning of having to fight for your marriage. My faith was rocked as I had to learn the true meaning of trust. I had to come to terms with the fact that there are some things in this world that just simply don’t make sense and learned that having hope despite suffering is the definition of faith. Believing that there is more to this world than meets the eye.

Our relationship developed an unshakable strength despite the struggles and as I wrote down our story, I had the feeling that this story is much greater than us. It is the story of a marriage that went through hard times and emerged stronger. It’s the story of today’s military and what deployments are like through the eyes of a soldier’s wife.

So now I have this document on my computer that I’m hoping will eventually leave this laptop and make it onto the shelves of your local bookstore. I’m hoping that our story will resonate with other couples, military or not. I’m hoping that it will give people hope despite the heartache.

It was because of this book that I got my contract to write for CincHouse so if my opportunities end there, I am forever happy. However, I would love for it to go further and am going to do everything in my power to make that happen.

I say tomato, you say Roger That

I was talking a little earlier with L about a project that needed to get done around the house. He told me that he has a pretty crazy week & probably won’t be able to get to it so if I want it done I will just have to do it ‘Sua Sponte.’ Literally. Those were the words he used. For those non-military speakers out there, Sua Sponte means of one’s own accord. That you can do something without another’s prompting or help.

The military is weird. It changes how you speak and L just can’t shake it so I still continually have to ask him to translate 5 years in.

Last week I got lost while driving in our new town (forgot our Garmin at home, thus defeating the whole purpose of buying the thing!) so I had to call L to look up directions on the internet.

He told me he found it, so be prepared because he’s going to ‘talk me on to our target.’

Oh, Army.

No Longer Newleyweds

I love love. I love all things cheesy, high school romances, movies about high school romances, seeing couples that have been married for 50 years still getting giddy at the thought of their spouse, and cheering at the end of a story where the guy gets the girl even though you know he’s going to end up getting her the whole time. I love love.

I have been with Lane for 8 years now and married for 5, and although that’s just a drop in the bucket of how many years some marriages have logged, I still feel like it’s a significant amount of time- you know, we’re past the ‘newlywed’ stage. We have a legitimate, long marriage. It makes me feel old. Not really. But sort of.

Lane and I just got to celebrate what became a weekend-long Valentine’s Day. It was three days full of festivities. And by festivities, I mean eating lots of Mexican food. And listening to jazz music while sipping wine. And watching the Olympics. And eating lots of Mexican food. Plus margaritas.

Anyway, through the weekend we were talking about how we feel like our love and marriage is stronger than it was when we first were married. How does that happen? You get married and think that is the pinnacle, but nope. It gets better. And we were trying to figure out exactly how that happened, and this is what we came up with:

• We know that love is a choice. You don’t just fall ‘in’ and ‘out’ of love with a person and then decide to get divorced. We know that daily we choose to love the other and will for the rest of our lives. It’s an intentional awareness and an intentional effort.
• We laugh together. A lot. Over things significant and over things stupid, but we laugh.
• We constantly evaluate the state of our relationship. Not in a legalistic kind of way, but in a way that wants to take the temperature to make sure that it is always functioning at its maximum potential. If something/someone is ‘off’ we discuss why and figure out ways to fix whatever hurt/miscommunication/funkiness that might cause that off-ness.
• We remember our journey. We spent a good 45 minutes yesterday remembering the past 9 Valentine’s Days that we’ve spent together and what we did for each one. We’re constantly retelling stories and laughing about experiences/trips/memories that we’ve had together. We remember, and we talk about it.
• We have common ground. We love many of the same activities, and those loves that we don’t share we indulge the other (most of the time)
• Most importantly, our faith is what has sealed us together. We would not have made it up to this point if there wasn’t something greater than ourselves that was giving us a model of love, a purpose, and a joy within it.

Those can be enough sappy thoughts on love for now. But, it’s already the day after Valentine’s Day, so I’m losing my window on when it’s allowed!

If I was ever goin' somewhere, I was RUNNIN'

The boy is off playing Army this weekend. It's starting to feel like most weekends have become 'go play Army' weekends. Life just goes so quickly that they're always coming around again. We're having to re-adjust to this life again which has been interesting... and by 'this life' I mean seeing the husband in uniforms and saying goodbyes because of training. It comes nowhere near close to what the Army life used to be for us and what it still is to so many of our dear friends. We were just spoiled though by some time having a simple, non-military life in our in-between time of Active Duty and National Guard Duty and it's back. I'm just really not a big fan of goodbyes; we've done them too many times. So what if it's only for a weekend! I know I get to see him soon, but I'm still allowed to miss him, right?

What keeps me laughing while keeping the house occupied by myself though is one of my final images of him right before he left. Oh, how I DEEPLY wish I had an actual picture of it to put up here and not just one in my mind. You would love it! Our trash gets picked up on Friday mornings and we have developed an irritating knack of forgetting to take out the trash. And it comes early compared to our last trash pick up time and we're just never ready for it. So, it's about 7:30 a.m. yesterday, and we were eating breakfast before Lane had to get ready and take off for his weekend away. We hear the familiar sounds of the garbage truck and Lane looks at me and says "Oh, CRAP!" and without one more word takes off outside. He grabs our giant green garbage can mid-stride and races down our driveway and out to the cul-de-sac pushing it, hoping to get the garbage man's attention. They had already passed our house and were on their way out of the street, but Lane is apparently not one to give up so easily.

I'll paint a mental picture for ya: One man in sweat pants, a sweat shirt with the hoodie up over his head because it was cold, and slippers SPRINTING down a street pushing a green garbage can which isn't staying on it's wheels as it hits the bumps in the road so he's half pushing, half dragging, yelling at the man driving the truck to stop for our trash. He eventually gets in their line of sight and, in between panting breaths asks them to get our trash. They really were not happy at all about this crazy guy running by their truck, but they must live by 'The Customer is Always Right' philosophy.

You would think we had a dead body stored in there or something with the passion he had to getting our trash OUTTA THERE! He is a man dedicated to the cause, I can say that.